The Three Flows of Compassion

Photo by Marija Zaric on Unsplash

I often ask my clients to tell me what words come to mind when they think of a compassionate person. Some common responses are words like “kind,” “loving,” understanding,” “patient,” and “empathetic.” What’s interesting though is when we talk specifically about self compassion the responses tend to shift. Self compassion is often perceived as “soft,” “weak,” or “undeserved.” This conversation generates more discomfort. Not necessarily about offering compassion, but in receiving it, especially from ourselves.

This difference is something that Compassion-Focused Therapy (CFT) explores through the idea of the three flows of compassion:

1. Compassion for others,

2. Compassion from others,

3. And compassion toward ourselves.

Each of these flows matters, and we each have our own strengths and struggles when it comes to each one.

What is Compassion?

In CFT, compassion is defined as “a sensitivity to suffering in self and others with a commitment to relieve and prevent it” (Gilbert, 2010). It’s very powerful. Compassion goes beyond the kindness and love we often associate it with. Compassion requires noticing when we, or others around us, are struggling, and having the courage and wisdom to take effective action to alleviate that struggle.

Compassion, whether we’re receiving it from ourselves or others, soothes our threat system — meaning it helps regulate emotions like anxiety, and anger, and combats self criticism. So in other words, it activates our soothing system. I’m not going to get too much in CFT’s three circle model here, but if you’re interested there’s a link to more information under the image.

Flow 1: Compassion towards others

This tends to be the easiest flow for most people — myself included! CFT draws a lot from evolutionary psychology, so from that lens we can say that giving compassion to others comes easy to us because we’re biologically wired to care for others. Early humans lived in large groups, and caring for each other was essential to survival. We’re wired for connection, and a huge part of connecting with others is showing care, kindness, and support for them. Another reason this flow may come easier is that many of us are taught from a young age that caring for others is the right thing to do — these behaviors are heavily valued and are talked about much more than showing that same care to ourselves.

Putting it into practice

You can practice this flow of compassion by engaging in small acts of kindness, checking in with a friend you know is struggling, or volunteering to help vulnerable members of your community.

Possible blocks

Some common blocks to this flow of compassion are compassion fatigue and “people pleasing.” If you’re constantly supporting others without pouring into yourself and/or receiving support from others it’s a recipe for burnout. If this is you, pause and ask yourself if you’re giving from a place of genuine care, or from a sense of obligation, fear of rejection, or need to feel worthy. Compassion for others is most sustainable when it’s balanced with self compassion, and willingness to receive support from others.

Journal Prompts:

• What motivates me to care for others? Is there a part of me that feels I have to earn love or acceptance by being helpful?

• Think of someone in your life who’s struggling right now, even in a small way. What might compassion look like in your response to them?

Photo by Matt Collamer on Unsplash

Flow 2: Compassion from others

I feel like this flow is the one that gets talked about the least, but is just as important as the other two! I mean, it’s the exact opposite of the previous flow. If you provide compassion to others, doesn’t it make sense that others would do the same for you? This flow can be tricky because a lot of us struggle to ask for help and our minds generate thoughts like “I can do this myself,” “I shouldn’t have to ask for help,” or “I don’t want to bother anyone with this.” However, this goes completely against the fact that we’re wired for connection, and historically, we lived in large groups in which there was a lot of giving and receiving going on! With that said, this flow of compassion is about being open to receiving the same care, support, and kindness that you provide to others.

Putting it into practice

You can practice this flow of compassion by accepting compliments without deflecting, asking for help and allowing yourself to receive the help, and actually responding to someone who says “let me know if you need anything.”

Possible blocks

I find that the most common blocks here are feelings of unworthiness, and being distrusting of others due to past relational trauma. There may also be fears of being dependent on others or strong beliefs that asking for help is “weak.” If any of these resonate with you, I encourage you to reflect on the following journal prompts.

Journal Prompts:

• What comes up for me when someone tries to give me compassion? Why might that be?

• What do I believe it says about me if I ask for help? Where did that belief come from?

• Do I believe I’m worthy of love and support even when I’m not “doing” or “achieving” anything? Why or why not?

• What would it feel like to let someone really care for me, without needing to earn it or explain it?

• Write about a time when someone tried to provide you compassion. How did you respond? What thoughts or feelings came up as you received (or resisted) that compassion?

Flow 3: Compassion towards ourselves

Self compassion is the practice of being kind and understanding towards oneself, especially when faced with difficulties or challenges. So it’s the opposite of criticizing yourself when you make mistakes, judging yourself for your actions, getting angry with yourself for having emotions, etc. This is often the most challenging flow of compassion for people.

Putting it into practice

You can begin practicing self compassion by regularly checking in with yourself to ask the question, “what do I need in this moment?”

You can also practice self validation and noticing and naming your emotions as they come up — something like “It makes sense that I feel angry because I wasn’t treated well in that meeting”

When you’re struggling you can ask the question, “what would I tell a friend going through this exact situation?”

Common blocks

Blocks to self compassion are often rooted in our beliefs about ourselves that have been shaped through life experiences. Our early experiences shape our self worth, so if we grew up being harshly criticized, neglected, or experiencing conditional love we can develop beliefs that we are unworthy of compassion — similar to the block for flow 2. Many of us also develop beliefs that self compassion is “soft” or “selfish” and that we should prioritize the needs of others before our own.

Journal prompts

• When I’m struggling, how do I usually talk to myself? How do I talk to my friends? What differences do I notice?

• What messages did I learn growing up about self compassion?

• What am I afraid might happen if I stop criticizing myself?

• What would it look like to offer myself compassion today?

• Write about a recent moment when you were hard on yourself. If you could go back and respond with compassion instead of criticism, what would you say to yourself?

The Power of Self Compassion

I invite you to think of compassion as a skill. So like any skill, we have to practice in order to improve. So if any of these flows of compassion seem difficult to you, know that you’re not alone, and you can take steps to reflect and begin practicing each flow of compassion in your life.

Which flow will you focus on today and how will you practice?

¹

1. Gilbert, P. (2010). The Compassionate Mind: A New Approach to Life's Challenges. New Harbinger Publications.