I used to hate running: lessons on building mastery

I used to hate running.

Not that it was something I did regularly or willingly for that matter. It was just something I decided that I had a strong dislike for based on earlier experiences and, as a result, never gave it another chance — until recently.

My earliest memories of running are from middle school gym class. I don’t remember how often this even happened, but there were certain days where we had to run a mile. What I do remember is that hearing the announcement that I was destined to run a mile that day in class filled me with dread. It’s not like I ran the whole thing anyway. I couldn’t. At least I told myself I couldn’t — it was too hard.

In the defense of my 13 year old self, the teachers didn’t exactly coach us to prepare us at all for this endeavor. All I remember is being told to “breathe in through your nose and out through your mouth,” and that sticks with me to this day.

Photo by Zac Ong on Unsplash

I wasn’t the only one who couldn’t run the entire mile or complete it quickly, but regardless it still stung to feel that I “couldn’t” do something (my 13 year old self was also very much an “over achiever” but that’s a story for another time). Aside from struggling with running for very long, and using this information to criticize my lack of athletic ability, I just didn’t enjoy it. Thinking about this now though, that criticism and overall thought process about running was probably a main reason the enjoyment was sucked out of it.

Two years ago I was working in a Partial Hospitalization Program facilitating group therapy. Naturally, as part of psychoeducation and DBT skills groups, exercise came up as being beneficial for mental and physical health. My speech about this, without fail, was always the following —

“Exercise can be anything that you do to get your body moving. Movement is what matters so you want to find something that you actually enjoy doing! It doesn’t have to be just going to gym. Me? I hate running so that isn’t going to be what I choose to get my daily movement in because I would have a hard time getting myself to do that at all let alone be consistent. I’d rather follow along with a dance or yoga video.”

I hadn’t even tried running in who knows how long when I was saying this. The other ironic thing is I always used the example of running when it came to teaching the DBT skill, build mastery.

Build Mastery

Build mastery is an emotion regulation skill and is all about engaging in activities or completing tasks that give you a sense of accomplishment and competence. So we “build mastery” when learning something new (eg. such as when we learn to play a sport or instrument, or take on a new craft such as painting or crocheting), or when completing tasks that you usually avoid out of feeling overwhelmed by them. The key though is you want to find the sweet spot in challenging yourself — not too easy but not too difficult. If you start with something too difficult you’re more likely to give up and feel bad about yourself, likely crushing your confidence. If you start with too easy then there’s not enough challenge to facilitate growth.

Regular practice of build mastery builds confidence and a sense of control. It shows you that you’re capable of getting things done. Of learning new skills. Of taking on new challenges and growing from them. So my example for this was usually —

“Let’s say I want to start running. I’m not going to go out tomorrow and try to run an entire mile in 8 minutes. I’m going to fail and then I’ll just start criticizing myself and give up. I’d start by seeing how long I can comfortably run and then walk the rest of the mile. Then I can slowly start increasing my distance until I can run the whole mile without stopping, but I wouldn’t be focused on speed. After I achieve that I could start working towards improving my speed.”

This brings me to the present moment because I’ve actually started living this out for real.

Photo by Brett Jordan on Unsplash

If you told my 13 year old self that at 32 she’d start going on regular runs with her husband and two children she’d probably laugh at you and wouldn’t believe it. Then if you told her, “yea and you actually really enjoy it!” She’d really think you were crazy.

But it’s true — my build mastery example was preparing me for reality I suppose. Last summer my husband started going for runs and suggested that the four us go together. I was seven or eight months postpartum and wanted to start exercising again but it felt impossible to find the energy and the time. So making this a family thing? Maybe that could work. I still had this sense that I didn’t enjoy running but decided that it was worth a shot. So we packed up our babies into the wagon and went for our first jog.

I’ll be honest it was definitely a challenge, but it was exhilarating at the same time. Even though we didn’t go fast or even jog the entire time the first time I felt strong and capable. I was reminded that it does feel good to get moving and to try new things. The runs are also my opportunity to practice mindfulness — to truly experience the present moment. My mind quiets down as I take in the feeling of the wind against my face, my feet hitting the ground, the sensation of my breath (in through the nose out through the mouth!), and the other sights and sounds of the outdoors. The family runs have also become a source of connection — an interest that my husband and I can share, and something that my daughter looks forward to.

Thoughts to reflect on

I definitely haven’t “mastered” anything when it comes to running, but that isn’t the point. We don’t have to have everything figured it out. Maybe that isn’t even possible. We’re perpetually building mastery at our own pace. Too often we get frustrated because we’re not as skilled as we would like to be, and then we give up. But if you look at anyone who is exceptionally skilled at anything — they all started somewhere.

Starting is often the most challenging part. If you can get started then you can begin experiencing the joy of noticing your growth take place and your confidence bloom as a result. Confidence is built through action, it is not passive. So we cannot expect to try something once and be an expert at it. Instead of focusing on the outcome you’d like to see, turn your attention towards the journey of building mastery. I promise it’ll make things more enjoyable.

Let’s summarize the skill once more:

Build Mastery: A DBT emotion regulation skill

1. Identify an activity you’d like to learn, or tasks you need to get done that help you to feel competent

   1. Some examples are cooking, painting, cleaning your home, playing an instrument, any form of exercise, etc.

2. Start small (not too easy but not to difficult) and set achievable goals

   1. Breaking tasks into manageable steps can help prevent you from feeling overwhelmed or from giving up. For example, instead of trying to clean the entire house, start with organizing one shelf or drawer. The key is to make progress that you can feel good about. When it comes to a hobby you’re learning, start with something “beginner level” if it’s brand new to you (ie. if you’re learning to crochet maybe start with a blanket not a stuffed animal)

3. Focus your attention on the effort, not the outcome

   1. Even if the outcome isn't perfect, recognize the effort you put in. This how we build confidence and capability. For instance, if you’re learning a new skill, focus on how much you’ve learned, rather than if you’ve mastered it yet. Celebrate growth along the way.

4. Gradually challenge yourself

   1. Once you’ve successfully accomplished simpler tasks, gradually challenge yourself with slightly harder tasks. This helps build confidence and a sense of growth and achievement. For example, if you're learning a new language, start with basic phrases and work your way up to full conversations.

As someone who has struggled with confidence on and off throughout my life I definitely see the value in this skill. I’ll bet it’s something that has been present in your life before even if it was unconscious. If you’ve ever learned a new skill, hobby, or sport you can probably think back and reflect on how it felt every time you noticed yourself improving; every time you reached a goal you had set for yourself. When practicing build mastery, we’re just engaging in that process intentionally. So how can you start building mastery?

Sending compassion,