Reframing Comparison: Finding Your Values and Taking Action
including journal prompts designed to help you reflect, reframe, and grow from your comparisons.
I’m writing this to break free from the trap of comparison that keeps creeping into my thoughts. Comparison is a natural human tendency—we all do it, and it’s deeply rooted in our evolutionary history. Early humans compared themselves to others to gauge their standing within a group, assess threats and opportunities, and ensure they were meeting social norms. This made sense in small, close-knit communities where interactions were limited. But today, we live in a world where we’re constantly exposed to the lives of hundreds, if not thousands, of people we don’t know personally. We’re bombarded with carefully curated images and posts, leading us to question whether we’re doing “enough.” Our ancestors didn’t face this level of exposure. I mean I wasn’t around back then but I can only assume they didn’t compare themselves to others based on things like social media followings, perfect parenting, productivity, or maintaining an immaculate home. They only had their small social group to measure themselves against, and they likely didn’t feel the pressure of measuring up in ways we do today.
Reflecting back, I can say I’ve struggled with comparison for a while and it definitely affected my self esteem especially in my younger years. I was always very shy in school and I can remember comparing myself to the kids who seemed to be able to talk to anyone effortlessly. They could strike up a conversation with someone and make a new friend without feeling the intense anxiety that I felt when it came to that kind of interaction. I had some friends — but I was never the one to initiate a friendship. If someone approached me I’d talk to them but there were still challenges in that. I’ve always been more a listener, and I always wished I was better at making conversation. Even now as a 32 year old woman I still feel that. I still compare myself to the extroverts of the world and can fall into the thoughts about wishing I had that kind of personality.
In middle and high school, my comparison thoughts expanded to include my physical appearance. The transition from elementary to middle school is a big one, and suddenly, so many of the girls around me were wearing makeup. Even though I didn’t have much interest in it at the time, I wasn’t allowed to wear makeup, thanks to my parents’ rules (which, as an adult, I totally understand). Still, seeing others wear it made me feel "less than" and "not pretty enough" in comparison. As you can imagine, this only deepened my lack of confidence, especially when it came to talking to others.
Over the years since high school, my comparison thoughts have shifted, attaching themselves to different themes—while sometimes revisiting old ones. In recent years, these thoughts have focused more on motherhood, my career as a psychotherapist, and now, my writing. Thoughts like:
“I’m not doing enough for my kids”
“I should be home more with my kids”
“My writing isn’t as good as hers, nobody is going to read this”
“I’m not as pretty/fun/interesting/confident/etc as her”
“Am I even an effective therapist?”
What do all of these thoughts have in common? None of them do absolutely anything to move me towards the life I want to live. They actually move me away from my values and keep me stuck in anxiety and self doubt. Comparison has led me to give up on things I once enjoyed, and robs me of joy in the present moment. That’s why comparison is such a challenge. It’s not our fault that our brains are wired to engage in these kinds of thoughts — and at the same time we have to learn to live with the hardware we were provided. So what steps can we take?
1. Accept the fact that comparison is bound to show up
It sounds so simple but I think this may be the biggest hurdle. The point is that if we have the goal to totally get rid of comparison we (likely) won’t meet that goal and will end up frustrated. Struggling with our thoughts only keeps them around. If I tell you not to think about pink elephant chances are you will think about a pink elephant. You’re probably thinking of one now. So if you fight with your brain about the thoughts it spews out comparing you to others those thoughts will stick around (or even increase)
2. Notice your thoughts of comparison
The first step to change is to increase awareness about what it is we want to change. Notice the themes your comparison thoughts are centered around. Is there a specific person you are comparing yourself to or general ideas? What do the thoughts sound like specifically? What tends to trigger these thoughts? How are you left feeling as a result of these thoughts?
3. Take inventory of what is within your control
I find it a very helpful exercise to list out what is in your control and what is outside of your control. For example, it’s outside of your control that your brain works the way that it does. What other people post on social media is also outside of your control. What is inside your control, however, is unfollowing or blocking certain accounts that are triggering comparison thoughts.
4. Ask yourself: do these thoughts contain any helpful information?
In my previous example, comparing my introverted personality to others and wishing I were more extroverted is clearly not helpful. Neither is comparing the way I look to that of others. Those thoughts were only serving to hurt my confidence and fuel self doubt. The same goes for comparing myself to others when it comes to my abilities as a mom, therapist, writer, or artist. For example, I enjoy watercolor painting. If I see other people’s paintings and start to compare mine to theirs I’ll probably end of frustrated, and may give up painting for a while. Or I can choose to recognize that these comparisons stem from my deeper value of creativity. Instead of letting self-doubt take over, I can take value-driven action to improve, whether it’s enrolling in an art class, watching YouTube tutorials, or simply practicing more often. Ultimately, the “helpful information” in these moments is that the comparison reveals something important to me—my desire to grow and improve in areas that matter.
5. Identify values and potential action
Like in the above example you may find that there are values beneath your thoughts of comparing yourself to others. Comparing myself to other moms? I value the relationships I have with my kids and I want to be the best I can for them. Comparing myself to others in the way they engage with people and easily make friends? I value connection and friendship. Comparing myself to other therapists? I love the work that I do and I want to make sure I’m effective and truly helping others.
With that said — the difference here lies in how we respond to these thoughts. We can get curious about them and ask questions like:
Why might my mind be giving me this thought?
What is the value hidden underneath this thought?
Is there any value driven action I can take?
How can I honor my unique strengths without comparing myself to others?
What do I need to remind myself about my own journey right now?
How can I reframe this comparison to focus on my personal growth, rather than measuring up to others?
What would it look like to embrace where I am right now, instead of wishing for something else?
These questions help shift our perspective, turning comparison into a tool for understanding ourselves better and acting from a place of purpose and growth.
So to return to my original point, I’m writing this today as a sort of experiment. To show myself that I am capable of writing, I enjoy writing, and my writing is my own — not that of anyone else. It is my unique voice and there is beauty in that. I am choosing to let the comparison go in this moment and I accept the fact that it will show its face again at one point or another. I encourage you to choose freedom in this moment as well. Freedom to do what it is you aspire to do without comparison and doubt holding you back from what matters most. You are uniquely you, and this practicing of tuning in and getting curious about your thoughts of comparing yourself to others is an act of increasing self awareness. If you’re feeling up to it — share some of your reflections and the values you uncover in the comments and let’s build community. You’re not on this journey alone. Let this be a meaningful step in this journey of cultivating you.
Take care,
